Infertility: marriage is more important than a baby

Years ago, I was walking the beach in Hawaii and became really sad and depressed seeing pregnant bellies and little kids. I wanted that and it wasn’t happening. Then my husband reached for my hand and I pushed it away because of how I was feeling. In that moment, I told the universe: “I do not want to feel this sad anymore!!! It doesn’t feel good and I am done with It! Help me release this!!!” DAYS LATER my marriage broke and suddenly, being a mother meant NOTHING TO ME because I didn’t have the man I love beside me!!!! I begged God to give me another opportunity like on the beach: my husband reaching for my hand AND THIS TIME I would accept his love, instead of focusing on the things I DIDNT HAVE. I wanted a second chance, because I ruined the first chance. It was the darkest time in my life, but…. I got EXACTLY what I asked of the Universe—— CLARITY of my priorities. At the time, I felt it was the worst circumstance God could ever give me to make me gain clarity- but now, I would choose that storyline again and again!!!! IT WAS EXACTLY WHAT I NEEDED.

Michelle Obama says, “I share my story, all the highs and lows because I LIKE my story!” I LOVE MY STORY TOO. I am not broken or ashamed or embarrassed. I am grateful, now I trust God 100000x, I know what I value in life, I learned my strength and courage, I am proud of myself, and we now have a strong AF marriage!!!!!! I call my journey THE FEEL GOOD JOURNEY because years ago I was sad and angry about things I didn’t have, and today, I still don’t have them, but I am happier and more joyful than ever before! I was able to CHANGE HOW I FEEL vs change external circumstances in my life (fertility treatments or adopt etc). But now I question whether I want to be a mom because I dont want anything to interrupt the level of peace and relaxation I currently have Hahahhaha …also, I wake up everyday and ask myself – “what do I want to do today?” And then I do it. I could cry at how happy that freedom makes me, my love language is FREEDOM!

 

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