bleeding perfectionism.

I expect perfectionism from myself at every moment at a wedding or session.

planned or unexpected.

Perfectionism through each and every shutter click.

But of course, perfectionism does not exist.

Therefore, I am plagued with guilt and regret in the after hours.

My heart literally hurts after I make a mistake,

and I make many. 

I pray the clients won’t say anything to me

just so I don’t have face that mistake head on.

You think I am being dramatic,

but I’m not.

Of course some mistakes are tiny and unnoticeable to the general audience

so you may scoff and say it looks fine,

but fine is less than perfect.

I am not writing this to gain a pity party
(there are people with much bigger problems).

I am writing this because I want to be truthful,

as a person and as an artist.

My job is amazing, but it’s not always butterflies and rainbows.

But perhaps it could be
if I let go of this notion that I have to bleed perfectionism.

I think perfectionism starts with a paycheck.

Of course we all need to eat and live under a roof,

so payment is necessary,

but with money, the seed of expectation begins…

Sometimes, the only thing that rests my mind is repeating,

“I did the best I could given the circumstances,

I did the best I possibly could given the circumstances!”

That sentence usually gives me some relief for weddings
because some of the elements are out of my control,

but in the circumstances in which I have control
or have a lot of time to tweak imperfections
and I still make mistakes——–

well, it feels like I sinned 100×100 times!!!!!
It’s as if I am carrying a heavy load of guilt
and all I want in this world is to be cleansed of it,
washed away forever.

But it doesn’t work that way.
Forgetting an important shot on a wedding day isn’t a sin,
neither is accidentally leaving a tag on a dress.

So how am I suppose to live with this guilt and regret
when it cannot be washed away?
Especially when I know I will always be making mistakes,
because that’s what it is to be human.

I think most people can relate to these same feelings
in their own field of work.
Of course some mistakes, like in the medical field,
can lead to a much greater loss than what I deal with.

But in the end, within our chosen professions,
we all impact another person from the choices we make (or don’t make).
And sometimes that’s really hard to deal with
because we need to be really good at what we do
in order to keep our job, pay the bills,
and keep a roof under our heads,
yet leading a happy, passionate life!!

This is my godchild Brielle and I.

Brielle’s mom went to Brielle’s 1st grade classroom for an open house
and read in her autobiography
that she wants to be a photographer like her big cousin Lea.

It softened my heart just enough to help me through this last week of being in Michigan.